TWQ Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes – Day with laughter!!

Laughter is the tonic, the relief, the surcease from pain. Agree?

Here are some of best funny quotes complied for you. Shall we add some more, please write to us, we’ll get it done. After all we are here for you 🙂

TWQ Funny Quotes

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Phyllis Diller

Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.

Ellen DeGeneres

Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’

Anonymous

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.

Jim Henson

I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Woody Allen

Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.

Jerry

I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.

Michael Scott

Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.

Paul Terry

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Groucho Marx

I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

Anonymous

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

Rodney Dangerfield

The story so far:
In the beginning the Universe was created.
This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

Douglas Adams

Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.

Charles Bukowski

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

Les Dawson

There’s nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can’t prolong.

Surgeon

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

Terry Pratchett

Reality continues to ruin my life.

Bill Watterson

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’

Steven Wright

Ted Striker: Surely you can’t be serious.
Dr. Rumack: I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley

Ted Striker

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

George Carlin

TWQ Funny Quotes

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Benjamin Franklin Wade

There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.

Mindy Kaling

You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.

Joan Rivers

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

W.C. Fields

Remember, we’re madly in love, so it’s all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it.

Suzanne Collins

Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.

Lt. Frank Drebin

My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.

Bobby Boucher

A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.

Jane Austen

It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.

Lewis Carroll

I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.

Jimmy Kimmel

I’m not insane. My mother had me tested.

Sheldon Cooper

Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.

Charles J. Sykes

Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you’ll die of a misprint.

Markus Herz

There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: babe, district attorney and Driving Miss Daisy.

Elise

Lucy: There’s just two things keeping me from dancing in that show.
Fred: Your feet?

Lucy

Have you ever noticed how ‘What the hell’ is always the right decision to make?

Terry Johnson

Creativity is knowing how to hide your sources

C.E.M. Joad

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.

Anonymous

Coach: How’s a beer sound, Norm?
Norm: I don’t know, I usually finish before they get a word in.

Coach

Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don’t always like.

Lemony Snicket

TWQ Funny Quotes

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.

Billy Sunday

I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

Jerome K. Jerome

If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?

Laurence J. Peter

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, “Why god? Why me?” and the thundering voice of God answered, There’s just something about you that pisses me off.

Stephen King

There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it.

Bertrand Russell

Where is human nature so weak as in the bookstore?

Henry Ward Beecherr

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

Friedrich Nietzsche

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

W.C. Fields

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

Mae West

Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.

Isaac Asimov

Happiness is a warm puppy.

Charles M. Schulz

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life’s a bitch. You’ve got to go out and kick ass.

maya angelou

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know.

Mark Twain

I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

Woody Allen

Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope.

Dr. Seuss

I have great faith in fools – self-confidence my friends will call it.

Edgar Allan Poe

Percy wouldn’t notice a joke if it danced naked in front of him wearing one of Dobby’s hats.

 J.K. Rowling

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

Anthony G. Oettinger

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Oscar Wilde

You haven’t got a letter on yours,” George observed. “I suppose she thinks you don’t forget your name. But we’re not stupid-we know we’re called Gred and Forge.

J.K. Rowling

TWQ Funny Quotes

Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.

Terry Pratchett

My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.

Winston S. Churchill

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.

Oscar Wilde

Deadlines just aren’t real to me until I’m staring one in the face.

Rick Riordan

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

George Burns

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Charles Dickens

Begin at the beginning,” the King said, very gravely, “and go on till you come to the end: then stop.

Lewis Carroll

Some people have lives; some people have music.

John Green

I’d said it before and meant it: Alive or undead, the love of my life was a badass.

Richelle Mead

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

A.A. Milne

Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!

Dr. Seuss

I suppose I’ll have to add the force of gravity to my list of enemies.

Lemony Snicket

If cats looked like frogs we’d realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That’s what people remember.

Terry Pratchett

The Guide says there is an art to flying”, said Ford, “or rather a knack. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Douglas Adams

If writers wrote as carelessly as some people talk, then adhasdh asdglaseuyt[bn[ pasdlgkhasdfasdf.

Lemony Snicket

Basically, I have two speeds…. Hostile or smart-aleck. Your choice.

James Patterson

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Steven Wright

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir…mighty scarce.

Mark Twain

Holey? You have the the whole world of ear-related humor before you, you go for holey?

J.K. Rowling

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.

Winston S. Churchill

TWQ Funny Quotes

If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised.

Clark Griswold

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.

Albert Einstein

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Oscar Levant

If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.

Ace Ventura 

The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.

Clairee Belcher

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they make a good excuse.

Thomas Szasz

When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.

Groucho Marx

I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.

Anonymous

A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.

Graham Norton

He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo.

J.K. Rowling

Never memorize something that you can look up.

Albert Einstein

Here’s all you have to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

George Carlin

When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure and I don’t have to shake hands.

Larry

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer

Douglas Adams

All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring.

Chuck Palahniuk

Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.

Adam Gropman

I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.

Groucho Marx

Give a man a fire and he’s warm for a day, but set fire to him and he’s warm for the rest of his life.

Terry Pratchett

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they’re ok, then it’s you.

Rita Mae Brown

Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

Jay Leno

TWQ Funny Quotes

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

Robert A. Heinlein

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.

 Garrison Keillor

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

Douglas Adams

I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.

Mitch Hedberg

Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room.

President Merkin Muffley

Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.

Mark Twain

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Steve Martin

My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.

Rose

Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.

David Letterman

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

 Groucho Marx

The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid.

Jane Austen

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Jack Handey

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.

Mark Twain

Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.

Narcotics Anonymous

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.

Will Ferrell

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.

Charles M. Schulz

So many books, so little time.

Frank Zappa

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Rita Rudner

Ned, I would love to stand here and talk with you—but I’m not going to.

Phil Connors

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.

Albert Einstein

TWQ Funny Quotes

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